Well, not all is lost, i suppose. I have gotten some encouraging email
from friends of mine and even people i dont *personally* know.

Martina says:

        Elmo, It took you this long to figure this out? :)  99.999% of the human 
population is untrustworthy and would stab you in the back (or the front) in 
a heartbeat.  People act like they're appalled when they watch lovers betray 
each other on the Jerry Springer Show or learn of another high school geek's 
psychotic plans to massacre people around him because boohoo he feels 
ostracized... but THAT is what is in the minds and hearts of the majority of 
society.  You see the extremes of it on television, but it exists on some 
level everywhere around us.  We're a bunch of thumping, psychotic, neurotic 
Neanderthals.  
        The only way to deal with it is to rise above the slags and never become one 
of the Kapos of the world.  Finding someone with compassion, integrity and 
honesty is almost impossible.  But when you do find them it's very wonderful :)
Martina

>society.  You see the extremes of it on television, but it exists on some 
>level everywhere around us.  We're a bunch of thumping, psychotic, neurotic 
>Neanderthals.  
I can't agree with this.  we're all imperfect, but i believe when it comes
down to it, we're all just trying to get through the damn day the only way
we know how to.  Maybe we don't know the best way, but I don't believe
people set out to screw one another (w/ exceptions like hitler, possibly).
I will concede that people may be too lazy to find a better way and that
there's all different varieties of people but this romantic assertation
that there are a few saints out there who are somehow above everyone else
morally and ethically is something that doesn't square with my experiences
with mankind.  People are a mixture of good and bad.  I don't think you can
judge anyone else or their motives until you've tried thinking about things
from their pov.  i know that's not emotionally satisfying, but in my
opinion it's a lot better than judging the entire world based on having a
bad deal.

"life sucks, wear a hat!"--The President from some comic book
--Niles
"If you loved me, you'd all kill yourselves"--Spider Jerusalem

this has ended. I will no longer think about this... i have lost a friend but the
benefits of the lesson taught are endless.

In other news:

A friend contacted me the other day about my web site. And i responded to some
of his inquiries regarding myself. One of them was the passing of time, and i
responded with:

The passing of time, has always been a problem with me. I have never doubted
the things that i *have* done... only those left undone. This is the biggest
problem. Finding the time to /do/ the things that i want to /do/. I always find
myself in unresolved situations due to my wishing to do those things that i
might miss. I am trying to be much better about it though.

And that am not really concerned with what people think of me... well, at
least not in real life. I mainly use that, HUGE FONT in the deneument at the
bottom for email as an eyegrabber/feedback tag. This
way, i encourage people to write to me, even if it's a hi.

He also commented that is seems like i spend too much time on line searching
for people... well, that *might* be true. I
have never thought about it... However, online friends are much easier to
*maintain* than real friends IMHO. Actually talking and seeing people *is* much
better, but with busy scheduals, and the like it's /virtually/ impossible for
me to do so at a regular basis. Irc *is* a waste of time, but allows for
multitasking a lot easier. IE: I can be talking to a buch of people, while
coding, using the time to develop a normal conversation to also code, browse
the web etc. etc.

Thinking /is/ interesting. However, whether or not it is conducive to my state of
being is another issue, waiting to be explored. Seeing Life in this manner
often leaves a dry taste in my mouth. It seems bad; it seems like things are
all going horribly wrong; it seems like the whole world is mad. Then you wake
up one day, and realise that it isn't the whole world that is mad; it's just
you.

Today as it rained i asked myself a question. It seemed insignifcant at the
time, but is was the manifestation of my thoughts. In one instant as i was
standing outside watching the water fall, i noticed how strong it was when it
struck the ground. In an instant i thought, that it must be aweful to be an
insect, while it was raining. To be something that seemed so alien. However,
i was, for an instant, wondering what it was like for another creature, of this
world, under the same conditions as us humans, to /be/ under those same
situation. For us a rain drop is just that... a drop... for an insect, it would
be as if a drop the diameter of a car's length were to fall on us. Yet, nature,
has formulated everything just so... call it natural selection, or divine
intervention, it doesnt matter... what matters is what is true today. What is
true now.

Again, i was feeling helpless, my cigarette burned out and i went inside. I
started to code again. It helped to get my mind off of Things. This is why i
love the computer. It is unchanging. It will execute code exactly the way that
you write it (whether or not you write it to do what you want it to do is
another matter entirely).

We take all of these animals, and try to personify them. We treat them as
raman... yet some other animals, are treated as aliens. With these issues still
dancing in my head, put there by others, i will end this email. I might put
portions of this email on the web. If i can find the time.

Most of these things i stuff away in a drawer in my head somewhere. Others will
be forgotten never to be revealed. All of this happens unintentionally, by
Father Time. Yet, if i were to disclose these thoughts to most of the populus,
i would surely be locked up =)